Monologue Jokes & One-Liners

Here are same late night-style monologue jokes and quick quips written by Will.

A new study shows that babies who cry uncontrollably are more likely to have ADD and anxiety as adults. So basically, the kid who ruined your flight today will be the guy who ruins your flight 20 years from now.

The first-ever non-nude Playboy is ready for release, while millions of frustrated men aren’t.

A kid in a police lineup is a little suspect.

Volkswagen just unveiled their newest version of the Beetle, which has been the most successful model in the company’s history. The only thing that can stop the Beetle’s success? The new Toyota Yoko Ono.

An Alabama man was arrested for stealing $196,000 in quarters from a Brink’s
facility. On the bright side, once in jail he was able to make 784,000 phone calls.

Today is both Thomas Edison and Sarah Palin’s birthday. So I guess you could say the lights are on but nobody’s home.

I don't like acronyms but at least they stand for something.

A company is developing a new kind of chocolate that will give a man an erection. That should make for a really romantic Valentine’s Day, and a really awkward Halloween.

A Florida man bought a rare dime for $2 million at auction. He then showed it to his grandfather, which led to the most nerve-wracking “disappearing coin behind your ear” trick in history.

Always consult with your dermatologist before making any rash decisions.

A new study says that of the three main hair colors, brunettes are most likely to smoke, red heads are most likely to be resistant to anesthetics and blondes are most likely still stuck on the word anesthetics.

"Is this tweetable?" - Elmer Fudd at the doctor's office

Bernie Sanders announced that he has officially left the Democratic party – marking the first party he’s ever left that wasn’t because the music was too loud.

Tonight’s Powerball jackpot is worth $429 million. That is truly a wife-changing amount of money.

Snooki got breast implants. She said she did it for all of the teachers who told her she'd never get C's.

A newly-proposed airplane would travel from New York to London in just 11 minutes, marking the first time guys would be kind of embarrassed to admit they joined the mile-high club.

I got fired from my anatomy lab for taking a knee.

Disney announced that it’s rebooting The Lion King. To keep the plot more current, Scar says Simba can’t be King because he wasn’t really born in Africa.

Today is Halloween – or as dentists call it, Christmas Eve.

Dr. Dre says he wants people to forget about his history of domestic violence against women. Then he probably shouldn’t have become the face of a company called “Beats”.

Yesterday marked the end of daylight-saving time – and the beginning of my mom telling me what time it “really” is for the next week.

Kate Middleton is suffering from a severe type of morning sickness called hyperemesis gravidarum. So apparently the other big news here is that the baby’s father is actually Harry Potter.

Saying grace with a fake mustache on is a blessing in disguise.

Earlier today, Virgin America was sold for $2.6 billion. The company was bought by a horny Japanese businessman who misunderstood the purchase item.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't have affairs.

A facelift raises some eyebrows.

Hugh Hefner's neighbor has reportedly bought the Playboy Mansion for $100M. Well, he spent $20M on the house, $80M on cleaning supplies.